Wrapping up 2023 with a slice-of-life (mine) post. In late Spring I went shopping with a friend who needed to find a new, replacement, Lazy Boy recliner for her husband. We had a great time checking out the overwhelming selection in our local store. I was stunned by the different styles and also by the marvelous fabric selections for special orders. My friend so loved the comfort of the chair she chose for her husband, she picked one out for herself. Me…I developed a bad case of Lazy Boy chair envy.

Ran my “why we need a Lazy Boy chair” by my husband, a lifelong fan of recliners. Thought it would be an easy sell, but instead he gave me a list of reasons why we either didn’t need one or didn’t have the room for another chair. Round One lost. I planned to regroup for Round Two.

Fast forward a few months to August 1 when I managed to crack my right upper arm and totally mess up the shoulder joint. Doctor’s orders, after he put me into a sling, was that I had to sleep sitting up for probably the next several months. After a few nights of misery on the edge of the couch, and also trying to sleep propped up in a pull-out bed, I declared that the only way I was going to be able to sleep was in…wait for it…a Lazy Boy recliner !

Moral of the tale, be careful what you wish for. Wishes can be granted in the most capricious of ways.

So, of course you know what happened after that. Yes, a trip to the LB store, a request for a floor model because I needed a recliner NOW. My husband purchased a lovely, soft, leather recliner for me, complete with remote control, because I could not manage a “stick” control with a broken right arm. Months later, I'm still sleeping in this chair. It's been amazing. Arm is slowly healing. Will never be 100% but...one adapts and life goes on. 

So, wishing all of you a peaceful close to 2023 and more wins than losses in 2024.
Happy New Year to all, and please, think long and hard before you send those wishes out into the ethers.

I’ve been re-reading some of my older blog posts. I’m actually surprised by the clarity of many of my thought-threads, and also by some of the insights revealed (often to myself) as my fingers moved across the keyboard. Sort of like talking out loud. Issues tend to move to the forefront, and somehow things work themselves out as one verbalizes, or as so often in my case, as I write things down.

I’ve covered a lot of emotional ground in the past five-years of sharing posts (five years this September). That said, I’ve decided I’ve pretty much said all I have to say for the time being. So, this will be my last post for a while. If you are new to my blog and are curious, please peruse the long list of past posts and choose a few to read. I think you’ll find many include a good dose of humor along with a few interesting insights, and I’d love to hear your thoughts.

I am active on Facebook, so if we are not Facebook friends and you want to stay in touch, send me a friend request. A DM to let me know who you are would be helpful. I don’t accept most random friend requests unless we are connected through an activity or a mutual friend, so just raise your hand and say you’ve been following my blog.

​Have a great summer everyone.

​​I’m normally a good driver—cautious, defensive, eyes on the road—won’t even turn to make eye contact with a chatty friend in the passenger seat. I've never even had a traffic ticket (might be a bit of luck involved there.) That said, I recently almost veered onto the shoulder of a main road. Just could not keep my eyes glued to the road ahead when both the median and the wide shoulders were alive with a dramatic show of wildflower blooms--intoxicating and distracting. 

For the past few weeks, our normally brownish desert landscape has been blanketed by fresh shades of green and a kaleidoscope colors. Penstemons, spiking tall, are showing off with blooms in three glamorous shades of pink. The globe mallows have morphed into bushes bearing striking orange blossoms with a few, rare, white bloomers scattered here and there for fun. The ubiquitous brittle bushes are massed with yellow, daisy-like flowers, and blue lupines rise to greet the sun, their spikes poufed out with a proud displays of blooms.  Our short-lived Spring has sprung.

2023 is being deemed a ‘super bloom' year. Wildflowers are abundant everywhere from roadsides to stretches of natural desert (as in not destroyed by the developers), to neighbors’ front yards and hiking areas. And yes, D and I succumbed to the media hysteria and joined the masses lined up to get into Picacho Peak State Park, famous for its spectacular showing of golden poppies. Along the lines of “I should have known better” combined with being over-eager, I jumped out of the car with my camera, but without a hat, sunglasses, or sunscreen. And yes, I paid the price, big time. And no, there aren't any pictures of my red, swollen, sunburned face. BUT, I did manage to get some great poppy shots. 

I am a self-confessed plant junkie. In my backyard, there is close to no-such-thing as a weed. If the plant is green and it blooms, it stays. I always step carefully, even making sure not to drag the heavy garden hose across the new globe mallows and miscellaneous wild bloomers. I’m thrilled to find them emerging from the fine pea gravel that covers the area are we keep “open” (by spousal decree.) 

I wonder, sometimes, if I am creatively diverse or simply unable to focus on any one area. (I can hear you answering one for me!) I seem to be constantly juggling to make time for my three main passions: plants/gardening, writing/reading, and dance. To be honest, I should throw photography into that mix as well. I jump on and off the creativity carousel at a dizzying pace, sometimes riding the writing horse, sometimes jumping onto the platform to snag the dancing horse, but too often I’m falling flat on my face trying to do/ride everything all at once. 

In the Spring, however, my focus narrows. When the air is coolish but tinged with bud-opening warmth, and the scent of citrus blossoms permeate absolutely every pore, writing falls off the map. Driving out to the dance studio is doable, but I simply can’t station myself in front of my desktop to force even a semblance of concentration to write. Out the door I go, camera or phone in hand. Capturing each and every new bloom becomes an obsession. 

As I type these words, I’m glancing out the window, which is right behind my monitor. I  see tall penstemons peering over the top of the snapdragons, and holy smoke, it looks like I finally have an Iris blooming. I do love sharing with all of you, but my camera is sitting right here, and it’s calling to me, so….

​“You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.” C. S Lewis
I love this statement, and I think it will set the theme for the rest of my life. Being a few days out from a high, double-digit birthday, I can’t deny anymore that I am, firmly and unquestionably, a senior citizen. While I’m not particularly thrilled that I inhabit a no-longer-svelte or agile body, I am pleased to find myself more at peace with both my failures and accomplishments. I no longer compare my accomplishments to those of others. Only I know where I started and what it took to get where I am today. 

It’s all perspective really, isn’t it? Perspective can lead to clarity, and clarity leads to acceptance. I unapologetically accept who I am, and I am comfortable with who I am. That alone is almost worth hitting this advanced age. Acceptance has led to me incorporating some changes (personal growth) without losing my core. Nothing super major, but valuable nonetheless.

In the past year, I’ve made major strides in setting boundaries—something I have never been good at. I can now say, “No.” A big word for me. My internal lightbulb—sometimes a flashing neon sign—has clicked on. I’ve set aside a lifetime habit of being a pleaser, putting everyone else’s needs and wants before my own. I now recognize that my time and personal pursuits are as important as the next persons. Being comfortable acknowledging this simple fact, which so many others master as children, has taken me a lifetime. I’m guessing a few people will be shocked, maybe even offended, if I don’t upend my schedule to work around theirs. Something tells me this new aspect of my personality won’t be received with applause. But here’s another momentous change. I’m learning to shrug off the nagging guilt that’s kept me tethered to "pleasing" for too long. For someone brought up Anglican/Episcopalian, this is huge. 

I’m also working at keeping a healthy emotional distance from histrionics. The thing is, I am a fixer at heart and somewhat of an empath, so raising a protective barrier against emotional energy has always been difficult. It’s critical to differentiate between those who are energy drainers—thriving on sucking everyone around them into their emotional black hole—and those who truly need a shoulder and a strong cup of tea. I find I am better able to back away from anyone who escalates their personal drama, searching over the footlights to expand their audience. I just get out of my seat and leave the theater. 

I’ve also come to terms with my lifelong sleep pattern (non-sleep pattern really, being an insomniac) and can shrug off criticism for not being up with the chickens. The truth is, there is nothing particularly virtuous or superior in being an early riser. If getting up at the crack of dawn means being bleary-eyed and non-communicative until 10:00 a.m.; what’s the point? Why fight your circadian biorhythms when you don’t have to? My years of rising at 5:30 a.m. to get my son ready for day care/school and get myself to work are long behind me. Thank God for small blessings. 

I read something a while ago that struck home. It was a statement about seasonal behavior—winter specifically. This article stated that winter, with its late sunrises and early sunsets, offers the opportunity to sleep in later in the morning and cozy by a fire in the evening. Winter should be a time of reflection and reminiscing. The writer likened winter to one’s old age. I found that line of thought appealing. 

Just FYI – this was my New Year’s post on Facebook. 
2023 is going to be my year to practice kindness, to myself. If I need to rest and sleep, I'm not pushing through the fatigue anymore. I WILL make time to exercise. I will clean up my diet but still enjoy the occasional indulgence. I won't feel guilty about taking time for myself, to read, to paint, to just be. I will continue to distance from those who pressure me to be who THEY think I am or should be. If you treat me with condescension, I will keep my distance. We'll both be better off. I will continue to cherish those who "get me" and just smile at those who don't. I will practice being content.

As my friend Kim (1964-2020) always used to say, “That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.”

Photo - circa 1953 - 1956  Like I said, new year, same me.

 I was scouting the aisles in a local big box store, doing some general stock-up shopping, when I caught a glint of sparkling color at the far end of the store. This was back in late October. My heart jumped: Christmas “stuff!” I bee-lined towards the shimmering silvers and robust reds, ribbons and bows, ornaments of all colors, stockings and stuffers, wreaths and trees, snowmen and Santas. I really love Christmas. Yup…even in October.
(photo - me, 1950's Christmas, Eaton's Dept store)

I’m aware that I’m going against the popular grain here, but the onslaught of retail Christmas paraphernalia doesn’t strike me as an ostentatious display of capitalism. Instead, it’s a ticket back to the magical toylands created by the big-city department stores of my childhood. Christmas displays make me nostalgic, even though nothing today can compare with a 1950/60s Eaton’s (Canada) Department store Christmas. 

We’d start with their spectacular window displays, then head inside. I’d try not to fidget on elevator ride up to the toy department. The gloved attendant would open the doors, creak open the gates, and there it was: a holiday wonderland resplendent with animated displays, towering stacks of toys and dolls, and a child-size train that wound through a veritable Santa’s workshop. 

Despite the richness around us, our own lists to Santa were modest and reasonable. That’s just the way it was back then. In the midst of all this kiddie-land wonder, we were instilled with the practice of giving. At the tender age of five or six, with money tucked into my small purse, I was let into a gated shopping area designed specifically for children. A child-friendly clerk helped tiny shoppers select perfectly priced gifts for parents and friends. Was I being indoctrinated into consumerism, or was I being taught about the joy of giving? That’s one for the psychologists, but to this day I love shopping to find just the right gift for someone. 

But, back to my first sighting of Christmas weeks before Thanksgiving dinner had even been digested. Once I roused myself from an indulgent bout of reminiscing, I had an epiphany of sorts. I decided that we have been looking at this all wrong—this Christmas-too-soon thing. 

Around the rest of the world, there is no conflict. Christmas decorations appear in most countries in late September. Even in Canada, where Thanksgiving is celebrated as well, the holiday falls during the harvest season, in October, before Halloween. So, here’s my thinking.

Maybe we should simply view the holiday season as a whole unit, a play in three acts. Act 1 - Halloween and/or All Saints Day, when we give treats to strangers and remember those who have passed; Act II, a national day of Thanksgiving to prepare us for the season of giving; and Act III comprised of Winter Solstice/Chanukah/Christmas. Each person/family can emphasize whichever of the three acts speaks most directly to their hearts. If we all just focus on enjoying the holidays, being thankful, and balancing our “wants” with giving, why should it matter when we or the retailers haul out those boxes of holiday decorations? Just a thought. 

But, before we start mailing our letters to Santa early, maybe we should all look in our garages. Okay, socks wear out and must be replaced, but in general, most of us have enough stuff. If the retail holiday craziness offends you, hark back to your Thanksgiving thank-you’s and rethink. Celebrate Act III as a time to make memories with friends and family; give much-needed financial add to an animal rescue and/or give a homeless dog or cat their forever home, be extra polite and courteous to that harried retail worker, and tip wait staff decently, create Christmas memories for the needier children in our community and hit up those retail stores for Toys for Tots. You can make it work without grumbling. And don’t forget to give the best gift of all, the gift of your time.

Happy Act II Thanksgiving to all of you.

I've just returned home from an international writer’s conference, which was held in Surrey, B.C., Canada (a suburb of Vancouver.) Writers of all genres, authors, editors, agents, etc. from all over the globe participated. Quite an impressive collection of creativity. Wandering the crowded halls between workshops and lectures was like being back on a college campus. And happily, I didn’t stick out like an aging, molting hen in a sea of fluffy chickens like I feared I would. I blended quite nicely. I was just one more color among a rainbow of threads weaving together the tapestry of this multi-cultural, age-inclusive event. 

Before I left on this trip, I was dragging my considerable behind. The older I get the more I grasp the meaning behind an old saying of my mother’s: a change is as good as a rest. Prior to leaving for Vancouver, I had zero energy and less motivation. Even thinking about what to pack was draining. But, surprise, surprise—being thrust out of my comfort zone (I’m not the most adventurous traveler) and dropped into a totally different environment turned out to be more invigorating than uncomfortable. I came home mentally stimulated and physically pumped (okay…aching) from all the walking we did in Vancouver. 

Take-away Numero Uno: When you feel the most sluggish, what you need isn’t a nap but a change of scene and direction. 

Seems my spouse was having a similar experience. There must be some validity to another old saying: absence makes the heart grow fonder. If not fonder exactly, then more appreciative. My husband was left at home for a week with three demanding pets, a large garden to hand-water, laundry to keep up with, meals to figure out, and all the basic minutia that fill up a day of domesticity. Nothing like having to take over some of your partner’s responsibilities to fully understand why they moan about having little-to-no time to pursue personal interests, like writing blog posts. Right? It’s been a while for sure. 

Our little section of the planet shifted on its axis while I was out of the country. I came home to find David cooking! Seriously. This man, who thinks cooking is heating up a boxed macaroni and cheese “dinner,” pulled out one of my recipes and made an amazing Italian beef stew! Household tasks that had long been put off were tackled, and now he’s announced that he’s willing to cook dinner maybe one night a week. Now for me, THAT is a coming-home gift of major proportions! 

Take-away Numero Dos: Time is a wonderful gift. Time to oneself is the best gift ever. 

Seems that we’ve both been breaking new ground. While D was home re-evaluating our household roles, I was stepping into new territory as well. Not only was this my first experience at a writer’s conference, I haven’t flown anywhere since 2016, and I haven’t traveled out of the country since 2002. Everything has changed. The airports have gone all techie. Kiosks! Passport readers that take one’s photo. Apps on mobile devices. Yikes. Totally intimidating. What saved my nervous traveler’s ass on this trip was my experienced traveling companion (thank you, Eva.) Who knows, after watching and learning, maybe next time I will be able to navigate the process myself. Maybe (fingers crossed.) 

But here’s the best part. Flying north in the early evening, I was stunned at how the sunset stretched endlessly for miles and miles on the western horizon. This was not the limited flare of red and orange we glimpse from our static locations. This was a blaze of color that went on seemingly for hours. It was awe-inspiring. It changed my perspective. There’s nothing like being on the other side of the clouds, with an endless sunset stretching across the horizon, to open one’s eyes to the bigger picture. 

Which brings me to – 

Take-away Numero Tres: So many of our limitations are self-inflicted. If we strive to move past them, we can extend our personal sunsets indefinitely, enriching our lives with an abundance of color, light, and joy. 

I might just become a frequent flyer!

This 50th is a milestone, but don’t rush out to buy me a card. It’s not my 50th birthday I’m celebrating, although I wouldn’t mind flipping back the calendar. BTW – the photo IS me on my 50th, mumble, mumble years ago. THIS milestone, dear friends, is my 50th blog post, and no, sadly, there won’t be cake. 

Been reminiscing. How did this blog come about, you ask? What? You say you didn’t ask?! Well, I’m going to tell you anyway because I’m in that kind of mood, so pour another glass of wine and hang in there with me. 

I remember hearing the word blog and not having a clue what it meant. Luckily, I have many younger, techie savvy friends and family, who let me draft and take advantage of their slipstream. (Been watching too much Tour de France.) The word blog, I discovered, is the truncation of the word weblog, which was used back in the 1990s when info found on internet/web was logged. Yes, I really Goggled. I have a need to know. That’s how I roll. 

So, sometime around 2007, the friends I chatted with in an online book-related group began to migrate over to something called Live Journal. This, I learned, was a digital journal, or blog. I checked it out and loved what I saw. Everyone was sharing on a more personal level, posting pics, commenting on each other’s posts, and really getting to know one another. I couldn’t get started fast enough. With Live Journal’s tools I was able to create a page and start joining the fun. But, all too soon my LJ friends were migrating to this new site called Facebook. Had me singing Carole King’s lyrics, “doesn’t anybody stay in one place anymore.” I shut-up (can’t sing), sighed, and followed, but boy, I really missed the fun I had writing all those Live Journal posts. 

Meanwhile, work on my novel was in progress. When it was close to final edits and revisions, those in the know pointed out that I needed a website. I guess authors need a “presence.” Point taken. But what I really wanted was a blog like the old LJ where I could post my thoughts and share my take on life. A compromise was reached with my talented, techie website designer, Paula Johnson. (Who is also a writer/author in her own right and host of more than one website.) A website I would have, but the URL would open to the first “page”, which would be my blog. Tabs were created for pages about my writing and the novel. I happily wrote my introductory blog post September of 2018. 

Why do I blog? Been asking myself that question. I have to admit to having a greater-than-average need to share. Long gone are the days of writing and receiving long, newsy letters, or sitting around with friends drinking coffee or wine and sharing our take on the world. And friends are now spread out far and wide. I’m also someone who makes sense of things by putting words to paper (so to speak). I love to know whether anyone else can relate, or provide a stimulating and different point of view, or share a similar experience/story that we can laugh or cry over. Maybe I just want to leave a handprint in the wet cement before it dries – my own version of “I was here.” Once on the internet, it’s out there forever, right? 

So, for the moment I’ll continue to blog and share. I hope you’ll continue to comment, whether here in the comments section, or via FB, text, or email. Your thoughts are always welcome. And…you know what? I’ve changed my mind. There should be cake. I’m on a mission to track down some cake. Wish you could join me. 

Here’s the header from my old LiveJournal Blog, “Under the Tucson Sun with Hotflash” (my original screen name on the BookCrossing site)

​Yup. You’re right. That's a photo of a pack rat midden. Whose? Mine, sort of. It’s snuggled up against the east wall in the side yard, next to a shed that’s next to the wood pile. And why on earth, you ask, is it still there? Why haven’t we destroyed it and annihilated the inhabitant. Why indeed? Nothing short of the current, political climate polarizes southwestern desert dwellers as much as their stand on pack rats. But here’s a quote to live by: a rat is neither good nor evil, it does what a rat has to do.” 

Basically, pack rats are just little creatures trying to live their lives the way they were designed to live. That’s just fine and dandy you say, but not in one’s backyard. I get that, I really do, but then there are rats—nasty, city garbage-can rats—and then there are pack rats—desert creatures who are the homesteaders and hoarders of the animal kingdom. You have to admit, they are industrious, interesting little creatures, even entertaining.  (But even at our house it’s not all fun and games. We’ve had pack rats charge up a drain pipe and make a home in our attic—an issue still be to resolved.) 

But… let me share my first pack rat encounter with you: A few years ago, I was on my way to a breakfast cookout when I noticed what looked like mouse droppings on the floor of my car. Odd. Hours after returning home, I went into the garage to get something out of the back seat of my car. I opened the door, leaned in, and immediately caught sight of the rear end of a very large rodent, back feet flying, diving under the front car seat. I sprang backwards and nearly cold-conked myself on the car door frame. Holy crap. This was one huge rat creature (I later learned it was a pack rat), and it must have ridden along with me all morning. Not the best feeling. 

My husband immediately placed a baited, live trap in the back seat of the car. Hours later, still no rat. I don’t remember why, but I opened the console glove box and was met with a very cute, cartoon rat face and two, very dark, eyeballs staring up at me. Faster than I could react, the creature spun around, and the next thing I saw was a tail disappearing into the back of the glove box and up into the console. Now what? 

I gave it some time, went back into the garage, and peeked through the car window. The glove box door was still open, and there was the pack rat, curled up, her back to me, sound asleep on a pile of Kleenex. I wondered if maybe she was depressed about being stuck in the car. But, no time for rat analysis. I quietly scrounged up two pairs of heavy gardening gloves, put both on, carefully opened the car door, and GRABBED Ms. Rat. She didn't even see it coming. She slipped and slid around under the gloves and the layers of Kleenex I’d scooped up with her, struggled free, dropped to the garage floor, and ran under the car. Not much left to do but open the garage door enough for her to escape. The main thing was, the rat intruder was out of my car. Never saw her in the car again. Probably traumatized. 

My next encounter happened when I accidently disturbed a midden, again in my backyard. By the next day, the clever little occupant had circled her midden, several feet out, with thin branches/twigs of mesquite, laid thorn side up! She created a booby trap. Don’t tell me these are not intelligent creatures. Now I know these rats are also super destructive and will rip things up to find soft furnishings for their little houses. I’ve heard all the horror stories about them eating through the insulation around wiring in cars. And I truly do know I can’t continue to let this most recent rodent resident continue to live in close proximity to our house. Again, we still have to deal with whatever damage there might be in the attic. And…my husband and I don’t share the same attitude about pack rats. Maybe I saw too many Mickey Mouse cartoons when I was little, not to mention those adorable chipmunks Chip and Dale! 

Removal, being shipped out to nice desert location, is most likely in this rodent’s future. We’ve done this before, and didn’t expect them back. Just can’t kill them. I’ve decided that rather than trying to defend my position on humanitarian terms, I’ll just become a Buddhist. Most people accept behaviors if you state that you are simply following the dogma of your religion. Might work. OOOMMMM and out.

​There’s always room for one more, isn’t there? And I don’t mean at the dinner table. Although, yes, I have to admit that I overcook, and if truth be told, there usually is room for at least one more place setting on any given day. But what I’m really talking about here is a penchant for collecting. Collecting what, you ask? Anything from postcards, to earrings, to foreign coins, to souvenir shot glasses, to scarves, shoes—you know who you are—and on down the line to English tea cups and techie toys. I won’t even delve into the psyche of those of you well-meaning and loving souls whose cats number in the double digits. Nope. Not going there.

Most of us collect something, even if the collection was, at first, unintended. Some things just draw the eye repeatedly, and ignite that fire to possess. For me, it’s earrings. Lovely little bits of art, or creatively set gem stones, or even just the perfection of plain gold hoops. No matter how many pairs I have, I can’t stop myself from checking out the earrings at every art fair and gift shop. Besides being the finishing touch to an outfit, they always fit, right? And that’s no small thing these days.

But I think my strongest passion/addiction is my attraction to plants. No matter how crowded my garden may seem to my non-gardening friends, there is always room for one more. I truly don’t know how it happens. I arrive at the nursery with the best of intentions and a promise to my husband that I won’t go crazy, but somehow, I end up pulling into the driveway with the back of the SUV packed to the rafters with green, growing thing and extra bags of potting soil. We won’t even get into my new obsession for plant containers, especially wildly colored Talavera (made in Mexico.)

As soon as I walk into a nursery, my energy level rises. I relish the scent of damp, earthy soil. The tables of bedding plants draw me like I’m being towed on a lifeline. I’m a crow, but rather than being attracted to shiny things (the exception being diamonds, of course), I’m drawn to interesting leaf shapes and the colors of blooms. It’s almost like being in a room full of puppies! I fight a rising desire to possess and take care of these living things. I want them ALL.

I hate to admit it, but too often my eyes are bigger than my stomach; or shall I say my ability to do the physical work of planting is lagging way behind my physical strength and energy level. This is relatively new, and I don’t like it one little bit. After planting only two new plants this morning, and doing a bit of trimming and tidying, every joint in my aging body hurts. So, while surrounded with life bursting out everywhere in my garden, I find myself faced with my own mortality and reality of being…I can barely type the word…old! But, old or not, you will have to pry my pruning shears and spades out of my gnarled fingers before I will ever give in and give up gardening. I’m not sure at what point passion morphs into obsession, but I’m sure I’d make a good case study.

Meanwhile, take time to smell the roses. Seriously! And while you’re at it plant a couple of cannas for me (my latest obsession.) And next time you pop in to Tucson Botanical gardens, check out the earrings in the gift shop. Tell them I sent you.

 I hear the wind before I feel it. I step onto the patio, and wind-whipped leaves swirl around my feet. The unexpected drop in temperature hits my face like a splash of ice-cold water. ​Grey clouds drift in from the west, beating the ubiquitous desert sun into hiding. I pull my worn cardigan tighter around me. The scent of rain, maybe snow, permeates the air. 
I grab an armful of kindling from the small stack next to the firewood and twist the door open with the tip of my fingers. I push it shut with a hip. The kindling falls and scatters on the hearth. I reach into the fireplace and top the scrunched newspapers with some starter twigs, and then flick a lit match against the paper. The big screen TV draws my attention. 

US warns Ukraine that Russian invasion is imminent....

 I hit mute, leaving the news to scroll soundlessly across the bottom of the screen. Serious faces stare back at me—muted mouths moving. Two years of disruptive domestic politics and the ever-present fear of the pandemic has pushed me to the edge. I can’t bear to hear whatever it is the talking heads want to tell me. Hopelessness descends; a heaviness like liquid mercury filters into every cell. Day-to-day life has only just begun to resume normalcy. Is it time to admit defeat? We are such a failure as a species. The pond scum rises to the surface but we neglect to skim it off. The scum always reigns supreme. 

Biden: Sanctions declared against Soviets.... 

I slide onto the couch and pull the soft cotton-weave throw around my shoulders. Breath: slowly in, slowly out. I pick up my book and snuggle into the safety of escapist fiction. The story unfolds in a small English village where hollyhocks and sweet peas bloom, and neighbors stop to talk about nothing on the cobblestoned streets. The most pressing news is how the new minister's wife will manage the pending bake sale at the Anglican Church.

Outside the wind tests the strength of my newly planted backyard sapling. Through the semi-opened wood blinds I watch it whip back and forth, more of a struggle than a dance. Holding its own. Fighting to be resilient. My eyes stray to the flickering screen. 

Boris Johnson said the international shock of a Russian attack would "echo around the world", as the UK urged Moscow to engage with talks to prevent a conflict.... 

The announcers' unsmiling faces exacerbate the grim theme unfolding. Unthinking, I lay the book on my lap, hinged open, pages down. Nothing distracts from this feeling of dread. Have I lived too long? Is too long when everything inside you goes quiet when you realize nothing you’ve done matters, nothing is ever going to change. Protests, letters, marches, sit-ins, registering voters, Vietnam, the Middle East, Desert Storm, The Gulf War, school shootings, the environment…. We are failing as a species. Worse, our species is failing those dependent upon us. 

Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy said Russian forces are trying to seize the Chernobyl power plant…. 

The sticks of mesquite atop the balled paper catch, sending up reddish-orange flames. As I
step onto the patio for larger logs, the wind whips the French door out of my hand. It slams against the stucco wall. One pane of glass cracks. Just one. I pull two logs off the firewood stack and add them to the fire. Outside a gloomy darkness settles in. The fireplace charges the dim room with a false sense of coziness. 

Dozens of soldiers are killed as Ukraine tries to mount an all-out attack…. 

I should turn on some lights. It’s too dark now to read. Grabbing the soft throw, I turn off the TV and sit on the floor with my back against the couch. I pull the cottony blanket over my head and hide in the safety of my shroud.