WHY DID IT TAKE ME SO LONG TO LEARN...?

I have a HUGE birthday looming large. One of those this-can’t-be-true numbers. An age you associate with your mother, or maybe even your grandmother. I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around it.

I’m trying to focus on the positives like (1) I’m still alive and semi-kicking, and (2) after this many years on the planet, I’ve finally wised up. And I mean street-smarts. Not the accrual of a lifetime of erudite wisdom, but enough slaps-up-the-side-of-the-head so I finally get it.

Since life doesn’t give you a second chance to Play It Again Sam, I’m at a loss what to do with XX years (can't say it) of life experience. Yes, I can apply what I’ve learned to future challenges and to interactions with people I would rather bitch-slap than treat cordially. I could pass my thoughts on to the younger generation, but chances are good I’ll be met with eyes rolling or the “that was then and this is now” look. Guess what kiddos? The human condition isn’t that unique and the same mistakes are repeated generation after generation, so save yourself some grief and listen up. Here we go:

• Trust your own gut, always, but more importantly trust the instincts of your dog. If your dog’s hackles raise, yours should as well. Simply put, don’t trust anyone your dog doesn’t trust. Take that one step further and be leery of anyone who doesn’t like dogs.
• Don’t pull dance tights up over thighs slathered in Icy/Hot; tights wick. Trust me on this one.
• For the girls. If you only take one thing away, take this: When a man speaks, do not try to read between the lines. There is nothing but dead air in that space. Don’t call your girlfriend to analyze ad infinitum what he meant. Whatever he said is exactly what he meant. Period.
• A superior attitude is not attractive, no matter how high your IQ. Everyone you meet has something of value from their life experience to pass along, no matter their personal circumstances. Take the time to listen, more importantly, to ask.
• There is a huge difference between being educated and being ignorant. You can be both! Ignorance is a choice.
• Men, relationships are so complicated I’m sure it’s sex-drive alone that keeps you trying. A hint with the girls: love her cats, her kids, and her mother; love her for who she is not who you want to transform her into being; never ridicule her in public and write it off to “I was just joking.” Respect her intelligence and praise her femininity. And never, ever lie to her.
• It doesn’t take a lot to be above average. Make the effort.Respect yourself enough not to stand for others treating you disrespectfully. Don’t let someone’s rudeness slide for the sake of being polite or keeping the peace. Call it out, but without drama, please. Walk out of the party, dinner, event, if need be. The old saying, I won’t stand for it, can be taken very literally in this instance.
• Friendships have a life. It has taken me a lifetime to accept this truth. People change, expectations change, jealousies develop, misunderstandings happen, and sometimes one side of the friendship scale outweighs the other. Mourn, but know when it’s time to say Last Rites.
• Never ignore a cat’s dilated pupils.
• Be generous without judgement. All it takes sometimes is the offer of a helping hand to pull someone up and get them moving forward. Like my mother used to say, "There but for the grace of God goes you.”
• Being brutally honest is not a virtue. Soften your words and choose kindness.
• Failure is as important as success. We learn more from our failures than from our successes. Owning up to our blunders actually makes us more likable. Turn your failures into anecdotes and master the art of the self-depreciating joke, then watch your friendship base expand.
• Your child’s childhood disappears faster than a chocolate shake. Leave that bed unmade or the dishes in the sink and take your child to park/pool/playground. You’ll never regret leaving some housework undone, but you will always regret saying No when you should have said Let’s go.
• Trust in God, but lock your car

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