![]() I hear the wind before I feel it. I step onto the patio, and wind-whipped leaves swirl around my feet. The unexpected drop in temperature hits my face like a splash of ice-cold water. Grey clouds drift in from the west, beating the ubiquitous desert sun into hiding. I pull my worn cardigan tighter around me. The scent of rain, maybe snow, permeates the air. I grab an armful of kindling from the small stack next to the firewood and twist the door open with the tip of my fingers. I push it shut with a hip. The kindling falls and scatters on the hearth. I reach into the fireplace and top the scrunched newspapers with some starter twigs, and then flick a lit match against the paper. The big screen TV draws my attention. US warns Ukraine that Russian invasion is imminent.... I hit mute, leaving the news to scroll soundlessly across the bottom of the screen. Serious faces stare back at me—muted mouths moving. Two years of disruptive domestic politics and the ever-present fear of the pandemic has pushed me to the edge. I can’t bear to hear whatever it is the talking heads want to tell me. Hopelessness descends; a heaviness like liquid mercury filters into every cell. Day-to-day life has only just begun to resume normalcy. Is it time to admit defeat? We are such a failure as a species. The pond scum rises to the surface but we neglect to skim it off. The scum always reigns supreme. Biden: Sanctions declared against Soviets.... I slide onto the couch and pull the soft cotton-weave throw around my shoulders. Breath: slowly in, slowly out. I pick up my book and snuggle into the safety of escapist fiction. The story unfolds in a small English village where hollyhocks and sweet peas bloom, and neighbors stop to talk about nothing on the cobblestoned streets. The most pressing news is how the new minister's wife will manage the pending bake sale at the Anglican Church. Outside the wind tests the strength of my newly planted backyard sapling. Through the semi-opened wood blinds I watch it whip back and forth, more of a struggle than a dance. Holding its own. Fighting to be resilient. My eyes stray to the flickering screen. Boris Johnson said the international shock of a Russian attack would "echo around the world", as the UK urged Moscow to engage with talks to prevent a conflict.... The announcers' unsmiling faces exacerbate the grim theme unfolding. Unthinking, I lay the book on my lap, hinged open, pages down. Nothing distracts from this feeling of dread. Have I lived too long? Is too long when everything inside you goes quiet when you realize nothing you’ve done matters, nothing is ever going to change. Protests, letters, marches, sit-ins, registering voters, Vietnam, the Middle East, Desert Storm, The Gulf War, school shootings, the environment…. We are failing as a species. Worse, our species is failing those dependent upon us. Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy said Russian forces are trying to seize the Chernobyl power plant…. The sticks of mesquite atop the balled paper catch, sending up reddish-orange flames. As I step onto the patio for larger logs, the wind whips the French door out of my hand. It slams against the stucco wall. One pane of glass cracks. Just one. I pull two logs off the firewood stack and add them to the fire. Outside a gloomy darkness settles in. The fireplace charges the dim room with a false sense of coziness. Dozens of soldiers are killed as Ukraine tries to mount an all-out attack…. I should turn on some lights. It’s too dark now to read. Grabbing the soft throw, I turn off the TV and sit on the floor with my back against the couch. I pull the cottony blanket over my head and hide in the safety of my shroud.
11 Comments
Shelley
2/25/2022 04:08:51 am
This sums me up perfectly. I want a cave to hide in and when I find it, I have no plans to come out. I'd say, anytime soon, but maybe, at all...
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Lynn Nicholas
2/25/2022 08:35:20 am
I'm so with you. Just thought the human race would be move evolved by now. Why do the bad guys always seem to win?
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JOY Gardner
2/25/2022 10:58:47 am
The author is amazing, she makes me feel what she is putting on paper in such a way I want to keep reading. I so agree with her on all the issues and enjoyed it so much.
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Lynn Nicholas
2/26/2022 11:30:34 am
Thank you so very much for your kind words. This piece of writing was the only I could work through what I was feeling with the invasion of the Ukraine.
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Marilyn Herrington
2/25/2022 04:50:20 pm
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2/26/2022 03:00:20 pm
Yes. this is exactly what I have been feeling--that I have lived too long (90.9) years. I have seen it all happen too many times. I have seen too many brave young men (mostly) sacrificing themselves in the hope of saving the world from evil. I have seen countless warnings of the consequences of disrespect to people of different race, color, gender, culture, language, religion, etc. go unheeded. I have seen warnings of the unsustainable nature of our consumer culture be ignored.
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Lynn Nicholas
2/26/2022 04:14:06 pm
Thank you on many levels. You "get" what I feeling, the never-ending loop of war and destruction. And, more than anything, for reading and finding the emotion in the piece I was trying to convey.
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SusanVanatta
2/27/2022 04:50:08 pm
Just....Wow..
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Lynn Nicholas
2/27/2022 08:28:58 pm
Thank you so very much. Putting words to paper helped me deal with a barrage of emotions.
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Ken Rosburg
2/28/2022 01:47:14 am
There hasn't been a day in earth's history that there wasn't strife and madness. There is little to nothing I can do to change what is happening, but I do have a choice, just as you do. You commented on the weather, the swirling leaves at your feet, the sun retreating into submission, the sapling struggling to thrive--all part of nature's beauty. It's a balance between gray skies and blue skies. We can live through the gray and embrace the blue. My choice is to be happy with my life not let the bad news control me. Kay and I are mostly healthy and satisfied with the life we've shared, where we've been, things we've done and hopeful for what will come in the future. The Serenity Prayer is always useful at times like these. Am I being selfish? Probably, but can I change the evil in Putin's heart? No. Can I control anything beyond my front door? Some, but not much. I can control my behavior. I can be a good husband and father, a good citizen, a friend to those near to me, and help as best I can some of those who are less fortunate, but only a few. Some famous person said, "You are as happy as you chose to be." I chose to be happy.
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Lynn Nicholas
2/28/2022 11:09:37 am
LOVED your thoughtful comment. Your outlook is exactly what is needed, especially as we get older and know that we have tried our best to leave this world a better place than we found it. Very much appreciate your wise words.
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